The mass in July, the end of all of the programs, etc, I knew they all were coming but it didn’t make it easier to end the year. Liz and I had built our own little community. With each other, with Kristen, with St. Peter’s, with the sisters, with the kids, with the ESL students, etc etc. We made Worcester home and we built relationships that will last forever. That is what makes saying goodbye so hard, the relationships you share with people.
But, goodbyes are never easy, are they? We are never fully prepared for any goodbye, are we? We are always asking for more time, for time to go more slowly, to go back in time for just one moment. But we can’t change time, at all, as much as we would like to. And that is a part of life, knowing that we can never go back, that we must keep living life as it is now, not as it was yesterday. We have no control over the time we have been given or the time that has been given to those we love. We have no idea how many “tomorrows” we will have. No idea when a fairly normal day will turn into a day you will remember forever.
July 5, 2012. A day I will never forget as long as I am alive. It started as an ok day, was going to go look at a car to buy, but it had already been sold. Disappointing, but not a big deal at all. At lunch time my dad texts me saying that his cousin Stacy wasn’t doing too good. She had been admitted to the hospital 2 days prior, but really wasn’t doing well that day. He said they were doing tests on her to try to figure out what was wrong, but weren’t 100% sure what was wrong. I told him I would pray for Stacy and ask the sisters to pray for her as well. I sent Stacy a text just saying that I hoped they would be able to figure out what was wrong with her and that I loved her. I went about the rest of my day, getting ready to head out to dinner with Liz and a Worcester friend to celebrate the end of our AMA year. As I was finishing getting ready, my mom called, though I missed the call. I called her back and what she told me was the most unexpected thing I ever expected to hear. I didn’t want to believe it. Stacy had died. I was shocked. Stacy, who I had talked to a week prior about getting together for lunch when I got home from my AMA year was gone. Stacy who was only 30 years old was gone. How was it possible that she could so suddenly be gone? Earlier in the day she was really sick, but people get sick all the time and are fine in a few days. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. Stacy was gone.
The next day passed in a blur of being 5 hours away from my family and friends, waiting to hear about the arrangements and trying to figure out a way for me to get home. There were many texts and messages from friends and former co-workers who knew Stacy, who knew just how wonderful she was.
Then the following day I got up early and got on the long road headed for home. I would say it was the longest of my drives between MA and PA or PA and MA, but I think the drive back to MA from the funeral was the longest. I got home mid afternoon to the relief of myself and my parents. I was finally home with my family and friends, to grieve the loss of Stacy from our lives. I went to Stacy’s parents’ house that night to see everyone and all her parents and her siblings kept saying to me was “do you know how much she loved you? She loved you like a little sisters. She loved you so much.” And I did know. I was lucky enough to know how much she really cared about me and loved me. Stacy wasn’t one to hide her feelings. She told you what she was feeling; good, bad or indifferent.
The rest of the weekend: the viewing and the funeral went by in a blur of tears, hugs, sobs, condolences, shock, disbelief, tissues and laughter. Yes, laughter. It always feels inappropriate to laugh at a viewing or a funeral when everything is supposed to be somber, but Stacy was the kind of person that could bring humor to just about any situation, including her own viewing and funeral.
The morning of the funeral, on the way to the funeral home, I stared out the car window in disbelief of what we were about to do; to go to the funeral for Stacy. But as I was looking out the window, I caught sight of the sky. The sun’s rays were shining through the clouds, in a way that is always so beautiful to me. I remember in elementary school being told that when the sun shines through the clouds like that it means that someone is in heaven looking down on their loved ones. I told myself that Stacy was looking down on all of us, trying to give us all a little bit of her sunshine. The sunshine that she brought into so many lives, especially my own. I knew she would always be watching over me, guiding me and sharing just a bit of sunshine with me when I needed it most.
After the funeral, at the cemetery, there was the graveside service. We all were standing there as the priest was giving final blessings on Stacy before she was lowered into the ground. As the priest is talking I noticed a dragonfly flying around, which I guess isn’t uncommon. But this dragonfly kept circling the casket, circling, circling. Going nowhere else in this expansive cemetery except just circling around the casket. Then it flew over in front of her parents, her siblings and her husband, and then resumed its circling of the casket until the priest gave his final blessing. The dragonfly then flew away. I am positive Stacy was sending us a sign, telling us she was ok. Making sure we knew she was around. Trying to give us some comfort that would seem to elude us for days and weeks and months after her death. Thinking it was weird, later that day I looked up what dragonflies symbolize and found this website: http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html One thing I knew, was that Stacy had many characteristics of a dragonfly, especially living in the moment and the ability to open someone’s eyes. I also then found a poem that is often used at funerals about a dragonfly, which really resonated with me. http://www.funeral-poems.net/eulogy/dragonfly So, dragonflies became a very important thing for me. I saw quite a few for weeks to come. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with other people, but each time I was just as surprised to see a dragonfly wherever I was, because it never quite seemed like the place to find a dragonfly.
After Stacy’s funeral I had to return to Worcester the next day to finish off the last week of my AMA year. So before I returned to Worcester that day after Stacy’s funeral, I stopped at Marywood in admissions to see everyone one more time and to see Stacy’s office one last time. Her office had been one of the places I spent a lot of time during college…
I was lucky enough to spend my four years of college at Marywood working in admissions as a work study and tour guide. When I was applying to schools, Stacy was my admissions counselor and was absolutely thrilled that I was thinking about coming to Marywood. She actually jumped up and down on the steps at an open house saying “I have family here”, because she was so excited. Throughout the process of trying to figure out which school I wanted to go to, she was a constant support as a family member and admissions counselor. She toed the line between the two carefully, not trying to overstep in one way or the other. Ultimately I decided on Marywood, because it “felt like home”, but she knew it would be perfect for me long before I did.
During my 4 years at Marywood and in admissions, Stacy was a constant for me. She was constantly there, acting as my big sister, making sure I was ok and that I wasn’t getting into too much “trouble”. There were many, many lunch dates. There were innumerable texts making sure I was doing my work for class, making sure I had what I needed if I was sick, seeing if I would come in to work in admissions to do something for her or to give a tour when no one else was available. And plenty of texts of Stacy just being herself; goofy and most often inappropriate to get me to laugh, loosen up or cheer up if I was having a bad day. There were also many texts, especially the summer after my senior year of college (while working in admissions for the summer), asking me to come to her office. Most of the time she needed to vent or blow off steam about work or classes or her dissertation. She would say “you have to listen to me complain, you’re family.” Sometimes all it was was that she needed an errand run around campus or other times it was just to say “hi” and ask how my day was going. I spent so many hours in her office during my time at Marywood, laughing and crying, talking and sometimes yelling. Talking about the good, the bad and the ugly in both of our lives. We would talk about our crazy family, whom we would love no matter what, even though they were crazy. We both talked about the classes we were in. We talked about the future, where we both saw ourselves going (and where we saw each other going as well!). We talked about stupid things and serious things. She listened patiently to me babble about unimportant things that seemed important at the time. Stacy was there every step of my college journey always cheering me on and proud of me, even when I didn’t think I could do it or when there really wasn’t much to be proud of. She loved me unconditionally and helped me to see all of the potential that I had. Stacy was the one who actually encouraged me to apply for a volunteer year, long before I ever thought of applying, because she knew it was something I would“be good at” and it would absolutely be perfect for me.
Her office saw every side of me during college and also saw me grow up quite a bit as well. Her office held so many memories for me, I knew I needed to be able to see it one more time, as it was left, with every little detail that I had memorized while staring off into space while talking or working in her office. To see all of the quotes on her wall just one more time, to remember what her office felt like and to remind myself of all of the memories that had happened there.
So after my stop in admissions, I was faced with the long, lonely 5 hour drive back to Worcester to finish what was left of my last week as an AMA.
The next few weeks after the funeral were filled with ending my AMA year, going on a service trip and spending lots of time baking and visiting admissions. There was one night that I was there in admissions to do something I never ever would have thought of doing before. I was there to help clean out Stacy’s office. Pack up everything that made her office “her”. For the 4 of us that cleaned it out, the office had so many different memories for all of us. So we spent the night laughing and crying and remembering so many wonderful moments with Stacy. And at the end of the night we had everything packed up and each of us had something to remember Stacy by; for our own offices. I have a sign that says “LIFE Live life to the fullest”, which is something Stacy absolutely taught me. By example she showed me how to live life and how everyone should be treated and how to treat yourself as well. That sign hangs in my office to remind me of all the various ways Stacy has shown me how to live a good life and how to live it to the fullest.
The months after I returned to Worcester were a whirlwind of emotion trying to “understand” death, but one never ever understands death and that’s just the way it is. I’ve learned to live with it, but not to try to understand it, because it is something far beyond our understanding. That’s one of the things I’ve learned in the last few months, we will never understand death and it’s not worth trying to understand because it makes it worse.
Friendship was a huge theme of my 2012, from beginning to end (literally and figuratively I guess…I spent New Year’s Day 2012 with a group of friends and New Year’s Eve 2012 with another friend). I’ve learned to value your friends and family, you never know how much time is left. But also to cherish the friends that are there for you not only when life is good, but more importantly, are there when life isn’t so good. They are true friends.
This year was all about realizing who would stand by me, no matter what. Who would be there for me is the best of times and the worst of times. Who would sit and listen to me babble about stupid things, but also give advice on more serious things. I also realized how important little cards, letters, texts, phone calls or visits really mean from your friends, especially when it’s just one of those days. Being 5 hours away from home and doing a volunteer year/starting a new job are always hard. I was worried my friends would forget about me or that our relationships would change. But if 2012 taught me anything, it taught me that your true friends will always be there for you and won’t leave you.
I was so blessed in my 2012 to gain new friends and strengthen old friendships and to realize I had more friends than I ever realized. I think this year more than ever I was more aware of my relationships with my friends. I also deeply appreciate the relationships that were strengthened into much greater friendships because of different circumstances. Each friend I have I share a very different, but special relationship with. What I am able to tell one friend I probably would never say to another friend. But I would say I have a “well rounded” group of friends who I can share so many different details of my life with, and some know almost more about me than I do about myself, but that’s what friends are for. I know more about some friends and less about others, but with each person I share something different but very special with, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I mentioned earlier how sometimes a little card, letter, text, phone call or visit can really mean so much from a friend. I can’t tell you how many times I got one of those and it instantly made my day better; just to know that they were thinking about me. There are a few instances that stand out in my mind of special moments of 2012. I remember getting a Valentine card from one friend just reminding me of how much I am loved, which was a nice gentle reminder of the type of relationship we share, reminding each other just how special we are and that we are loved just the way we are. Another occasion, on the night before my birthday, I spent the night celebrating with 3 of my dear friends, having a“Last Supper Party” (my birthday was on Good Friday) and just laughing the night away, being ourselves; this group of old and new friends meshing so nicely, that made it an even better night.
After Stacy died I had many friends texting, calling or messaging me, sending me love and prayers and just making sure I was ok. But one I remember the most was one friend, who had been out of the country, called me about a week after the funeral, while still out of the country; because she was able to make a call and wanted to make sure I was doing ok and holding together. I think that meant so much more to me than I ever can express, because at a time when I was probably my lowest, my friend cared enough to call from another country the first time she was able to just make sure I was alright. Something I will never forget.
I have many other cards and little notes stashed away in my office and in my room from friends; I tend to save them to look back on in the future. These notes and cards all mean something different because of who they were from and what the situation was for the card, but they all mean so much to me. Some days I will catch a card or note out of the corner of my eye and smile thinking about whatever card it is, remembering how I felt getting it. All of the notes and cards and fond memories with friends I just think how all of them are full of love.
So although my 2012 was a whirlwind year, I learned many things. Some things I wish I never had to learn (but really I knew I would have to learn at some point) and other things that I’m glad I learned now and not down the road.
I had a year full of ups and downs, highs and lows, happiness and sadness, love and much more.
I had 525,600 minutes full of daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee, inches, miles, laughter and strife. :D
A year full of family and friends and birthdays and weddings and celebrations as well.
I had a year I could measure in love, so much love!!! And what a year it was! Measured in love…..
A few pictures of my year...measured in love!!
